Crisps

Reliability, small ‘c’ conservatism, and revolution.

Purchasing crisps is a task during which the ultra-sensitive person must be highly attuned to their emotions. Ideally, they would crave a specific type of crisp on embarking, reducing the need to decipher which crisp will best fit their desires. Longing without object results in a difficult decision in the crisp section of Tesco Extra. Is it a textural experience I seek? Then a Wotsit, a Skip. Do I mainly desire to be stuffing my face for an extended period of time? A bag of popcorn, a Monster Munch, a £1 bag of assorted sour cream and chive. Flavour? You get the picture… 

If these textural and gustatory desires are muddled, it becomes more complex still. I.e.: I want the taste of a Walkers Salt & Vinegar, but I want the experience of a Wotsit. But NOT a horror mongrel crisp. 

And then - PANIC! A spanner in the works: A NEW VARIETY OF CRISP ENTIRELY.

crisp aisle, tesco

2nd September, 2024. SPRUNG upon me in Tesco, I see WOTSITS CRISPY BACON. I didn’t even crave crisps, but I knew I soon would. The Wotsits Giants were on a deal and already in the trolley but these WOTSITS CRISPY BACON completely upset my decision making. Wotsits Giants (epic name) are reliable and delicious, but BACON WOTSITS - two of my favourite food elements combined - could completely revolutionise my crisp game. I have a habit of crisp fixation: 

February 2023 - Walkers Roast Chicken  

May 2023 - Walkers Smoky Bacon

November 2023 - Tesco own-brand Frazzles (Bacon Rashers Crisps)

February 2024 - Wotsits Giants

And at present I am barren. Wotsits Giants have remained, however, my go-to, with a brief foray into Squares Salt & Vinegar. Back to Tesco. Would I take a chance on the Wotsits Crispy Bacon, risking a lacklustre six-pack of disappointment in the cupboard, or would I defy my tendency for safety and conservatism and pave the way for my own personal crisp revolution? 

I was bold. I bought the Wotsits Crispy Bacon. WotSHITS, more like. They are ok. The first crisp (wot?) delivers cheesy bacon goodness, but the subsequent crisps all fall short, lacking both cheesiness and baconaeity. Surprisingly they are better when you eat them directly from the packet (not tipped onto your plate, as it is done for the gentleman’s (my) lunch) as if the bacon flavour is contained mostly in the aroma. 

I’m battling on. (Two packets left.) Here is a list of other crisps of note. Can you tell I'm running dry? Let’s hope I’ve got something better in the bag (packet!) when I have to write my dissertation other than ‘reader’s crisp choice’!

1. Co-op Irresistible Hand Cooked Sea Salt & Chardonnay Wine Vinegar Crisps. Deserving of their full title and prompting a special moment for ‘crisp-in’. Oh yes, I am crisp-in. Rarely is anything made worse by crisps. Particularly an egg mayo sandwich. I have inherited/been conditioned into loving egg sandwiches with salt and vinegar crisps by my mother. The sharp tang and firm crunch of the crisps perfectly contrasts the thick, viscous and delicious egg mayo. Mmmmm YEAH! But, these crisps are DELICIOUS themselves, which I know because I ate a whole packet at Flo’s house. 

2. Pringles. Novel. Disgusting. Delicious. One needs to eat another Pringle to disguise the aftertaste of the last one, resulting in a furtive hand-to-mouth crisp experience (literally) at the kitchen counter. 

3. Frazzles, or Tesco knock-off Frazzles, Bacon Rashers Crisps. Five family bags a week at one point last winter. Yeah I’m mentally well. And I know how to have a good time. One can root through the bag, inspect each crisp, and then select the ‘best’ crisps (read: crisps most concentrated with flavour), a process I also enjoy with Tangy Cheese Doritos. Yes, I’m totally well adjusted. I just have ‘good crisps’ hahahaha. 

4. Mature Cheddar and Red Onion Kettle Chips. I like the colour and feel of the bag. It conveys a life of ease and riches. And, another great crisp for licking the flavour off! The flavour gets stuck on your lips anyway and four hours after the family buffet you’ll be sitting on the sofa having emptied the dishwasher seven times and you’ll poke your tongue into the corner of your mouth and find - aha! - a crevice of crisp-bitty goodness. 

5. Jamon (ham) crisps from the SPAR in Portugal. I have to have snacks with me during the day on holiday or I will get very cross and will not be able to identify the reason (peckish). Everyone is HORRIBLE and no one can say the right thing. Until….. snack. This makes me feel like a fattie a) because I am getting podgy and b) because I was on holiday with my mum, who usually goes through the day on a breakfast of yoghurt and granola, boosted later by a carrot and a cube of cheese. No, the ‘cube of cheese’ is not a satire of The Devil Wears Prada. Also, c) because I usually eat the whole family-sharing bag in one sitting. So there I was, on a foggy beach in Portugal, sneak-eating eating ham crisps to ‘boost’ my energy for absolutely nothing at all, and having a fabulous time. 

Comment your crisp of preference. Please. I am trying to BOOST.